Today was the first time in my entire life that I hated my body. Now, I’m frankly unable to sustain any strong negative emotion (like anger or sadness), so it only lasted a few minutes, but for those few minutes, I wanted to kick in the dressing room mirror.
I know I have no right to complain. I am the one solely responsible for the calorie counting and going to the gym twice a day. I did it to myself. I also know that millions of women in America would love to look like I do and have the problems I’m having.
This body doesn’t feel like mine. I can’t stand that all the pants I own sit so low on my hips I’m afraid my underwear is showing. Even in high heels, the cuffs are dragging on the ground. So I went shopping this morning before coming into the office.
Do you know how awkward it is to be in the Gap and be told they only carry your size online? Apparently, there are no short and skinny girls in New York, just tall and skinny ones. I’ve worn the same Gap Long and Lean jeans since they came out years ago. I literally wear each pair ragged and then make them into cutoffs before buying a new pair of the same style, size and wash. I tried on a pair marked “tall” in something two sizes smaller than I’d previously worn. Before I even got one leg in, I knew something was wrong–that’s how intimately familiar I am with these jeans. They fit, I suppose, but they just weren’t the same. Instead of creasing just below my butt, they creased around my mid-thigh. There was something funny going on with the hip-to-thigh ratio. I could have cried.
J. Crew wasn’t much better. I had to ask for help with sizing. I’m sure she thought she was flattering me by announcing how tiny I was and what size I likely wore. The girls next to me shot me dirty looks, and I cringed. I wanted to tell them it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t mean to have this body, but that’s a lie-it is my fault. The only jeans that fit me were called “matchstick,” but I’m just not a trendy jeans kind of girl.
I miss my old body so much. I don’t think I realized before how much I identified as an all-American girl with regular, no frills blue jeans.
